Thursday, December 16, 2010

Petticoat Planet (David DeCoteau, 1996)

It's a story as old as time. Guy falls for girl, girl lets him down, guy still loves girl. No, that is not the story of Petticoat Planet. It is the story of Darius Whiteplume and Elizabeth Kaitan. See, Liz starred in a little film called Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity, which is one of those rare exploitation films that lives up to its cover art. Mostly. Where did this love lead me? Straight to Petticoat Planet.

I hate to call the film bad, but it was 77 minutes and could have been trimmed down to 20; 25 tops. What's the story?

Twenty years ago, on a planet with apparently only one town, Puckerbush Gulch, every man in their existence was killed in a mining accident, and they had all of their sophisticated technology with them. Now, there are only women and they live a life like that of our old west, save that they do have a jukebox. When a spaceship crashes with one male aboard things get a little heated. Simple enough.

Now, exploitation movies have all kinds of faux sex in them. There is the European Belly Kissing style, the grunting shoulders above sheets style, even pretty blatant fake sex that could easily be imagined as real sex. I have never seen what I saw in Petticoat Planet though. Lets call it "lap dance sex." Imagine going to a strip club and watching a guy get a lap dance. Got that picture in your head? That is what the love scenes are. Frankly, it is about as erotic as Christmas dinner. Now, I'm not saying the fake sex should have been of another type, I'm actually admitting that it should have been cut. Of course, that would get them down to the 20 to 25 minutes I mentioned earlier.

Again, I hate to call it terrible. Elizabeth Kaitan is funny, as is Lesli Kay, who plays the sheriff. The third female lead, Betsy Lynn George, has her moments but is a little boring. The extras are humorous, and the costuming for them is cool. There are women dressed as every western archetype.

So, be warned. While it is fun and cheesy, you have to watch a lot of lap dancing with some of the smarmiest Texas blues I have ever heard. I'd love to chop this one down to size, but in all fairness the internet was not what it now back in '96, which means nekkid chicks were not so easy to get hold of, and porn video was more than just a Google search away. Were we ever so young?

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