Piranha 3-D (Alexandre Aja, 2010)

This post will perhaps shock for three reasons. First, I actually went to the theater. Second, I willing saw a 3D film. Third, I enjoyed it.

I decided to see Piranha 3-D after reading The Phantom of Pulp's review. As he mentions, it is a silly, sexy, gory, exploitation horror movie. Go into it with that attitude, and you will not be disappointed. This is not Jaws, nor is it Titanic. This is two hours of chicks in bikinis being eaten by mutated piranha. Well, there are some other things too, like:

• Eli Roth getting his head smashed in.
• Kelly Brook being more than tits on a stick.
• Porn star Gianna Michaels nude para-sailing, and nude getting eaten by piranha sailing.
• Jerry O'Connell's penis stand-in.
• A love story.

I know, that last one isn't going to impress anyone, but it is a monster movie staple.


Kelly Brook and a friend.

Giannna Michaels: flying fish food.
The bad: The 3D is not so hot. For the most part it seems that they went back to do 3-D to cash in a bit. I have not researched it, but there are a few Viewmaster style landscapes, and a few CGI'd in your face moments, but otherwise it is just a monster movie. There is one scene where all the fun is sucked out of the movie by the sheer volume of gore. The Phantom called it a "Fulci-level violence in a Jaws-like scenario," and he is (with my limited exposure to Fulci) on the money. It does not really add to the horror, it is just like they ground the cast of Jersey Shore up in a kiddie pool. Fortunately, it does not last long, and we get back to the real scares.

The good: a lot of great cameos. Ving Rhames has a bit part. Christopher Lloyd as the willy professor. The first, I won't even mention. It is such great fan service that anyone who loves monster movies will squeal with joy once the recognize it. It is the first scene of the film, and proves to me (at least) that Alexandre Aja loves the genre.

If you like monster movies, go see this one, or maybe wait for the DVD where you might be able to forgo the 3D. It does not add anything, but does not distract either.

Premature Book Review: Something Wicked This Way Comes (Ray Bradbury, 1962)

While at heart a young readers novel, Something Wicked This Way Comes is very engaging, even to an old fart like me. Maybe more even, as part of the theme involves lost youth.

I hate to admit it, but this is my first Ray Bradbury book. I know, I know. "And you call yourself a nerd? Pshaw!" Two things endeared me to Bradbury. One, he wrote a screenplay for Moby Dick, but confesses to having never read the book (I could not get through it). And second, last week's Nerd Girl of Note, Rachel Bloom, whose seemingly genuine devotion to Bradbury was quite inspiring. Back to the book.

The best thing I can say is that I cannot stop reading it. I am a slow, slow, reader, and have plowed through this at an atypical pace. Unlike most teen directed novels, however, it is not overly easy to read, and by that I mean the language and the themes are not simple. In fact, I would say that while this is clearly enjoyable to young readers, like Treasure Island, it is not necessarily for them. Because the book involves two young boys facing danger, it is compelling to young readers, but as we all know, youth is wasted on the young. I don't know about you, but I don't remember confronting dangers as a child. I do, however, remember doing things that now make me shudder. "What the hell was I thinking?!?" Of course, the dangers in this book are, to these fictional boys, very real, and very dangerous. I guess I should mention the story?

Two young boys live next door to each other and were born just minutes apart, one just before midnight on October 30th, and one just after midnight on October 31st. They are, thus far, lifelong friends. One is adventurous, the other more practical. When "Cooger and Dark's Pandemonium Shadow Show" comes to town the week before Halloween, they are compelled to find out about this mysterious occurrence. They uncover something sinister, of course, and begin to investigate.

As I said, this is my first Bradbury, and will not be my last. Nothing entices me like an evil carnival, so I had to grab this one over the perhaps more notable titles. As we are slowly approaching Halloween, I definitely recommend this for a high spot on your pile of books to read.

Red Sonja: She-Devil with a Sword

Hello all. Some of you might know about the Red Sonja: She-Devil with a Sword blog I administer her on Blogger. It is coming up on its 100th post, and just passed one year old!



If you are a Red Sonja fan and have a favorite thing about the character, let me know by email [dariuswhiteplume at gmail.com] and I'll add it to the post. Also, we have five contributors so far. If you'd like to be a contributor, let me know that as well and I'll send you an invite.

Nerd Girl of Note #77

Thanks to Darla Crane for pointing this one out.

Rachel Bloom is a comedienne and I am going to say certified nerd. Anyone who could write this song is worthy of a bit of status. Now, the video is only slightly questionable, visual content-wise, but the lyrics just might require headphones, depending where you are.

Unfortunately, I can't find much more on Rachel, but here are some links:

• Twitter
• Youtube
• Facebook
• Myspace
  

And here is some stand-up:

Short Movie Reviews

Chained Heat has Linda Blair and Sybil Danning, with the added bonus of John "Dean Wormer" Vernon doing what he does best; being a complete bastard. Oh, and there is Tamara "Cleopatra Jones" Dobson too. This one follows all the WIP rules, but still hold a few surprises. This is likely Sybil Danning's best performance, though I have not seen all of her films. Blair is kind of dull, but then again, she is the good girl, and they are always kind of dull. (Torrent)

Verdict: Worth watching, if you can find it.

Not Quite Hollywood looks at Australian exploitation films and the industry that made them. It is chocked full of clips and commentary, and features Quentin Tarantino talking about the movies he loved. It is an interesting look at the industry and culture in Australia at the time, and shows pretty well how they got from nudie comedies to Mad Max in a relatively short time.

Verdict: Fun for exploitation buffs.

City of the Dead aka City of the Living Dead, aka The Gates of Hell, is my first venture into the wild world of Lucio Fulci. When a priest kills himself in the town of Dunwich (really?) and All Saint's Day approaches, the dead begin to walk the Earth. Now, aside from the odd giallo, Italian horror is not my thing. It is definitely a change of pace. It gets hard to tell if these are zombies, or ghosts, or what. They are corporeal, but are able to teleport... The undead priest is different from his "zombie" fellows in both killing style and means of destruction. This would likely make a good Call of Cthulhu adventure.

Verdict: Interesting.

Pecker stars Edward Furlong and Christina Ricci. Aside from it being pretty wacky, and Ricci's posing for her photographer boyfriend and bitching out customers at the laundromat she works at, it is kind of tame. Honestly, this is the first John Waters film I stopped watching and don't care if I start it up again. (DVD)

Verdict: Meh...

Irma La Douce has Jack Lemmon, Shirley McLaine, and a bit part by Tura Satana. It is the story of a Parisian prostitute and an honest policeman turned pimp who fall in love, but not without some difficulties. It is a funny film that looks at the inconsistencies of sexual politics and treatment without getting too heavy. (DVD)

Verdict: A lot of fun. Worth finding.

The Living Dead Girl was recommended highly by both Tenebrous Kate and The Vicar of VHS. If I were to pick to people to dispute a film's merits with, it would not be these two. Not your standard vampire movie this. Well, is she a vampire, or just a ghoul? I'll leave the dungeon masters to determine which. This is my first entire film by Jean Rollin, and it did not disappoint. It is often difficult to tread the water of Euro-Horror, but this one was thoroughly enjoyable. (DVD)

Verdict: Despite some cheese, it is an interesting film.

Euro-Horror Double Feature

I made two journeys into the world of European horror, both with directors I did not know (knew of them, but had not seen their work). Jean Rollin and Lucio Fulci.

First up was Lucio Fulci's City of the Living Dead (1980, aka The Gates of Hell). I have to tell you, when I think Fulci, I think cannibals. I don't know if this is a fair impression, but it has kept me away from Fulci. CotLD was streaming on Netflix, so I gave it a shot.

Here we have a tale of creepiness. It is gory, yes, but not as violent as zombie movies can be. A priest in the town of Dunwich, which of course has an odd history of weirdness, kills himself. Some psychics in NYC pick up the ~disturbance in the force~ and know that some shit is about to go down. They get the name Dunwich off a tombstone in their vision, and send their sexiest member (obviously) to investigate. There is also a doctor looking into things, and a journalist. Once they put all the pieces together, they swoop in on the cemetery to stop the coming orgy of the damned.

The undead are a bit odd, for us D&D types. The priest, as undead, kills by staring hard and making you bleed from the eyes. His zombie minions rip off the crown of their victim's head. All the undead can teleport, and seem to disappear if ignored... The most violent killer, however, is a human. He kills a boy he thinks is sleeping with his daughter using a drill press. Just out of the blue. "Hey, there is my drill press. Let's protect my daughter's virginity with it."

I am going to have to branch out, Fulci-wise, I think. Any suggestions?

Next, we have The Living Dead Girl (1982) by Jean Rollin. I became interested in Rollin because of his sequence work with Jess Franco. When I asked on Twitter what film to try, both Tenebrous Kate and The Vicar of VHS were in agreement here. Only a fool would argue with that.

What we have here is (somewhat inexplicably) men storing toxic waste in a chateau's catacombs. The men decide to rob the corpse of one of the women entombed there. Suddenly, a can of toxic waste tips over, spilling its contents. The deadly gas penetrates the coffin of Catherine, a girl who died two years ago, and restores her to a semblance of life. Like all undead, she must feast off the living to survive.

First, Catherine feeds off the realtor selling the now-unoccupied mansion who has brought he boyfriend over for some unwise open front door living room sexcapades. Catherine does them both in, just before her childhood friend, Hélène, arrives unexpectedly (as well as inexplicably). When they were children, they vowed to always be together. Now that Hélène has her friend back, she is determined to keep her. Hélène rounds up some victims for Catherine. Catherine, however, wishes to die. She knows her existence is wrong, but her undead survival instinct prevents her from refusing the food.

Again, we don't quite know if Catherine is a ghoul, or zombie, or vampire, but it does not matter as the real monster is Hélène. I imagine if there is a moral to the story (morals are not my strong suit), it might be that love will make you do horrific things.

So, now I need Rollin suggestions as well.

WIP Wednesday: "Girls Town" (Charles F. Haas, 1959)

While more of a Juvenile Delinquent film, Girls Town definitely has its WIP qualities. Mamie van Doren plays Silver Morgan, a tough bebop chick with a record. When one of the local rich kids is killed, Silver is blamed. Being on probation, and having struck a teacher, she is committed to Girls Town. Silver, the new girl, runs afoul of the the HBIC, Vida, and her muscle, Flo. As is typically true of the HBIC, Vida likes things as they are and acts as enforcer for the nuns who run the place. Of course, there is also the crazy girl, Serafina, who becomes Silver's friend. Silver also has a night AWOL with one of the delivery men, who turns out to be a private detective trying to get a confession from her.

While all this goes on, we have the battle of the "hunky" males, played by Mel "The Velvet Fog" Tormé, JD staple Dick Contino, and Paul Anka. Tormé's "Fred" was friends with the dead boy and wants to find out what happened. He discovers that it was actually Silver's sister that was last seen with his friend. Contino's "Stan" leads a rival gang, and is on Silver's side, sort of. Anka's "Jimmy" is a pop singer who does his good deeds by performing for the inmates at Girls Town. He tries to befriend Silver, but has become the object of Serafina's affection. Her craziness gets the best of her, and Silver blames Jimmy. The whole thing ends with Jimmy and Silver's big break out to save the sister from the evil Velvet Fog. Silver turns away from her life as a gum chewing, scat singing, bullet bra wearing, ne'er-do-well and to that of a true good girl. Aw...

In all honesty there are two reasons I like this movie; Mamie van Doren, and that I saw it on Mystery Science Theater 3000. It is not terrible, but I do rather dislike Silver's conversion at the end. It gets pretty cheesy at times, and a touch melodramatic, but you can't blame a teen movie for that, now can you? If you can catch the MST3K version of it, you'll enjoy it more. They did a pretty good job.

Nerd Girl of Note #76

There are two things that disturb me in movies; gross-out scenes, and demonic possession. Easily, the most troubling film I have ever seen is The Exorcist.

Now, granted, it does not pack the same punch it did when I was younger, but for years I refused to rewatch the movie. Even the few minutes of The Exorcist II: the Heretic I caught by accident on cable was too much for me. Ask my wife, if you want, I flatly refused to watch The Exorcist, which she had never seen. I even refused to watch Stigmata for some time because it looked to me like a sort of remake (boy, was I wrong there). I'll watch it again now, but I still say it is a terribly frightening film. Go ahead, call me a pussy. I can take it. I think a big part of the problem is how freaking cute this week's NGoN was, well, is. Linda Blair seemed so sweet prior to the possession, and then so evil (makeup and effects aside) afterward. At age fourteen, I think she did a wonderful job. My continued fear of the film is testament to that.

As with many talented child stars, Blair had trouble striking gold again. Once her figure developed she found herself in the more exploitative end of the cinematic spectrum with films like Roller Boogie, Hell Night, Chained Heat, and Zapped Again! Blair is now an animal rights activist.

In looking up the IMDb for this entry, I found something potentially wonderful. Linda is scheduled to appear in The Gathering (2012) which will feature some of horror's great names, such as:

• William Sadler (Wonderfalls, Fringe)
• Robert "Freddy Kreuger" Englund
• Clint Howard
• Bill Moseley (The Devil's Rejects)
• Udo Kier
• Billy Drago
• Brian "Dante Hicks" O'Halloran
• David Naughton (An American Werewolf in London)

There are others, of course. According to Variety:

"The pic's framing story, 'The Storytellers,' is set on Halloween night with the devil bringing together Edgar Allan Poe, Bram Stoker, H.P. Lovecraft and Mary Shelley in a competition to tell the most frightening untold tale with the winner receiving the opportunity to leave purgatory forever."

If that does not sound like a good movie, you need to get a check up. Pronto!

Short Movie Reviews

Killer Drag Queens on Dope got in my queue because Haji is in it. This is the story of two transvestites (again, I hope i am using proper LGBT language) who are assassins. Ginger (Alexis Arquette) is in charge and Coco is her student. Ginger's boyfriend is a mob hit-man, but not good at it. To raise money for Ginger's gender-reassignment surgery, she is doing the hits for him with Coco's aid. Oh, and they do a lot of drugs.

Verdict: Kind of fun. Kooky, campy, silly.

Touche pas à la Femme Blanche or Don't Touch the White Woman is a story of General Custer in 1974 Paris, fighting the First Nations for President Nixon. This was a strange movie, but interesting. The Americans are, at times, portrayed (and rightfully so) like the Nazis. The real villain is the industrial machine rather than the government. They are buying the Army and forcing the issue. This one is not likely for everyone, but surrealist history lovers should find it interesting. It is humorous at times, not overly disturbing unless you think about what was really going on at the time.

Verdict: Bizarre and interesting political satire.

Macumba Sexual has West African Voodoo and a near-constantly naked Lina Romay. This is a really great effort by Jess Franco, and one of his first movies made in Spain after he expatriated. It is trippy, dreamy film where you are not always sure what is really happening. It is quite sexually graphic, and not for more sensitive viewers in that regard. It is, however, a beautifully shot film that highlights Franco's gifts and creates a real sense of creepy fear. (DVD)

Verdict: Psychologically scary, sexy horror.

Ilsa: Tigress of Siberia Ilsa escapes the post-Stalinist purges to become a crime boss in Montreal. There she runs into the one prisoner that could give her away to her old Soviet enemies. Ilsa battles the other mob bosses while being chased by the Soviets in this Roger Corman, Ivan Reitman production. More of a spy/mob movie than a traditional Ilsa film. Kind of refreshing, though Thorne has been better. (R2 DVD)

Verdict: Worth the watch for Ilsa fans. Not as hardcore as the other films.

Exorcist II: The heretic has Regan returning to the dark-side as a psychologist and meddling priest try to figure out what happened to her, and how Father Merrin died. John Boorman (Excalibur, Zardoz, Deliverence) directs this one, and creates a scary dreamy world, particularly the portions set in Ethiopia. The story centers more on Father Lamont (Sir Richard Burton) than Regan (Linda Blair) as he investigates what killed his teacher, Father Merrin (Max von Sydow). The demon Pazuzu is strong in this one, and wants revenge for being defeated, but also has a bigger plot at hand.

Verdict: Not what I expected. Quite good and creepy.

Savage Island - What do you call a Linda Blair movie with next-to-no Linda Blair? "Savage Island," that's what. See that poster to the right? That is as good as it gets. This one appears to have been a Spanish WIP productions that had no stars. Someone said, "hey, lets put Linda Blair and some other noticeable names in the first five and last five minutes!" And that is just what they did. (Fancast)

Verdict: As low budget WIP it isn't horrible, but I have seen better.

The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio features AiN favorite Dyanne Thorne as the fairy godmother. It is a silly, cheesey film, but is fairly funny. Dyanne Thorne is funny in a nice girl role for a change, and is only sporadically naked for comic effect. Karen Smith (H.O.T.S.) is hilarious as the madame Mabelle. Aside from a lot of nudity, the film is really no dirtier than your average Carry On film. Oddly, the film has a moral to it. It is a pretty standard moral, but one none-the-less. (DVD)

Verdict: A funny sex comedy with a moral.

The Secret Life of Bees is based on a novel, and like most movies based on novels, it has a hard row to hoe. See, the people who love novels remember the really funny parts and the really gut-wrenching parts. The movies tend to be a mish-mash of these two. This movie seems to walk the line pretty nicely, not beating you over the head with the sorrowful parts. (DVD)

Verdict: Enjoyable.

Night of the Demons - I am troubled that I have never seen this one. I don't know that I avoided it, per se, but never got around to watching it. Not a bad little Evil Dead rip off, if you ask me. It is silly and cheesy. Has a great soundtrack. Everyone in it has an entire can of Aqua Net in their hair. What more could you ask for? Linnea Quigley takes her clothes off and kills people (again). This movie is so '80s, I am surprised Loverboy isn't in it.

Verdict: Pretty classic, for the '80s.

Fiction's Finest Nerds #41

Harris Trinsky is the character on Freaks & Geeks that I always refer to as "The Dungeon Master" - partly because when the show was on the air the only episode I saw was the one where they played D&D. Also, Trinsky just acts like most every Dungeon Master I have ever know. Partly because he always seems to have the right answer, and like most Dungeon Masters, people stop second guessing them.

WIP Wednesday: "Savage Island" (Nicholas Beardsley, 1985)

So, you want to make a Women in Prison film. You've got all the necessary ingredients. A bevy of hot chicks, and some not so hot ones to boot. Check. Remote jungle location with Vietnam movie prop huts. Check. Sadistic guards with whips. Check. Inexplicably tiny prison uniforms. Check, and double check. However, you feel there is something missing... How about a big star (or even just an American star), and a reason for the story you have already shot? Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the star of the show, Miss Linda Blair!


That's not enough for you? How about Leon Askin? What's that? You don't know Leon Askin? Why, he just played General Burkhalter on Hogan's Heroes, that's all.


"More," you say? Fear not, we also have Penn Gillette of Penn & Teller fame who gets billing in the opening credits. He speaks two lines in the first five minutes and is promptly shot in the head.


Now, say goodbye to all these lovely people for the next hour and fifteen minutes or so, because after Linda explains to Leon that she is an escapee from his South American emerald mining prison, we shall not see them again until the final five minutes. Linda will do some narrating, but if you want to see her fighting in a shower, or running through the jungle in a skimpy outfit, then friend you are out of luck.

So, apparently, the film that was shot involved a group of jewel thieves who plan to rob the prison. They have a girl inside (another WIP staple). They disguise themselves as new guards so they can locate the emeralds. It doesn't take long to discover how terrible the conditions are for the women, and decide to liberate the prison.

Some girls fight. Some girls get knocked around. Some girls fight. Yadda-yadda-yadda. The big breakout occurs. The jewel thieves get away with half the emeralds, as their getaway driver (boat captain) slipped away with the other half. More guards chase them. The women die one by one from jungle treacheries. The male hero is killed. Two girls get away, but the emeralds are lost.

Back to Linda and Leon. Leon rings for his guard, who somehow let a woman with a machine gun under her coat into a jewel dealer's office. Guard is shot. Linda makes Leon open the safe. There's a gun in the safe. Linda shoots Leon, and gets away with some major bling. The End.

If you really need to see this one, it is on Fancast.

Ilsa: Tigress of Siberia (Jean LaFleur, 1977)

Perhaps the last, and easily the strangest entry of the Ilsa series is Ilsa: Tigress of Siberia. "Strangest?" you may ask. It is strange because it is the least "Ilsa" of all the Ilsa films. Let me explain.

Typically, the Ilsa films are part Women in Prison and part Torture Porn. Even Franco's Ilsa: The Wicked Warden follows the general formula. Ilsa runs a prison (of some sort). Ilsa is a sadist. Ilsa is horny. Ilsa takes a shower/bath. Ilsa dies. Cut. Print.

Ilsa: Tigress of Siberia certainly starts out this way, and in many ways continues along this path, but there are some modifications made. In the beginning, Ilsa is in charge of a Siberian Gulag under Stalin. She is in charge of re-educating political prisoners. Suddenly, word reaches them that Stalin has been assassinated (taking liberties with history, perhaps). The new men in power will likely purge the old guard, so Ilsa and her cronies make an escape, burning the Gulag, and killing all the prisoners (or so they thought).



Ilsa's little band turns up again in 1976 during the Canada Cup. Two Russian hockey players decide they want to visit a brothel before returning to the Soviet Union. They are accompanied by a security agent, one Andrei Chikurin, the only survivor of the Gulag. Ilsa and her band are now in organized crime, and Ilsa recognizes Chikurin. Thinking he might be on a mission from her Soviet foes, she has him captured to eliminate the problem.



Ilsa is also moving in on the local mob, forcing them out of business. She only seems to be involved in the flesh trade, but one can assume she is involved in all the dealing that typically accompany it. When the Russians discover that Chikurin is missing, they send agents to find him. Their leader immediately recognizes Ilsa as "one of Stalin's bitches" and wants her brought in. They fall upon Ilsa's mansion just as she is celebrating their complete victory over the Montreal syndicate.



The deviation from the plan likely has to do with two cinematic notables being involved in the production; Roger Corman and Ivan Reitman. This is almost more of a mob and espionage story than the previous films. Ilsa's warden responsibilities are less important than her role as "Godfather." The biggest difference (AND THIS IS A SPOILER) is that Ilsa does not die at the end. While trying to escape the Russians, whom she believes to be rival gangsters, she suffers a rather silly snowmobile accident. Chikurin, who was the only one to follow her, decides to leave her on the tundra of suburban Montreal with a broken leg, and her money the only fuel for her fire. We watch the sun go down with Ilsa sadly throwing her riches on a tiny fire.

I liked this film in a lot of ways. It was good to see Dyanne in another bad-guy role without it being just another two hours of beatings and genital mutilation. They still back-filled a lot of standard Ilsa elements. Her sexual appetite this time required two partners always, and typically her men would fight to see which two got to share her bed. The sadism was more psychological once the troupe reaches Canada, however in the Gulag they reinvent some old favorites. Thorne gets a little lost in the shuffle. There are a lot of characters in this film, and things center on action more than previously. It is a better rounded movie, and because of that it is less of an Ilsa movie. If you are an Ilsa fan this one is worth seeking out. It likely won't be your favorite, but is a nice change of pace.

Tila Tequila > Juggalos

I am going to present a differing opinion to those I have been seeing on the web lately. Not a superior opinion, just differing. I try my best not to judge my fellows, and in this case I don't think those I judge are fellows. I am judging Juggalos.

In 2007, a twenty-six year-old Tila Tequila was given a show on MTV. I am guessing this is how the pitch went:

MTV: "So, you are bisexual."
TT: "Maybe...?"
MTV: "Would you do a dating show where you are bisexual and have to pick from a group of men and women who are of the MTV hot variety and will degrade themselves. You'll be the only one anyone remembers and we'll pay you a lot of money."
TT: "Where do I sign?!?"

Now, obviously I was not present, but I imagine if were 26 and had few prospects I would jump at the chance too. I don't blame her. I don't necessarily like her, but I certainly don't blame her.

Now, recently at "The Gathering"—a meeting of Juggalos (fans of Insane Clown Posse), Tila Tequila was scheduled to appear. When she came on stage she was booed and everything from rocks and bottles to feces from the portajohns were thrown at her. There are a lot of people I don't like. There are a few people I hate. There is no one I would stoop to throwing human shit at.

I'm not above all this. I laughed at, and reblogged on Tumblr, a video of Justin Bieber getting hit with a water bottle at a concert. Frankly, it was a hell of a throw. It was a fair distance at a moving target. It was either very lucky, or thrown with a great deal of skill. It was, however, a dick move. I feel a little bad about enjoying it now.

The Tila Tequila incident is a lot worse, and not just because of the feces. She was invited to appear, and there is some indication that the promoters incited the incident. All over the web I see people posting links and LMAO's (primarily on Tumblr, often one of the cruelest social outlets). It is discouraging. Really, what has this woman done to any of us? Did her show suck? Yes. Did it help turn MTV in the all-douchebag-all-the-time network? Certainly. I still contend it is hardly her doing. MTV is the reason we hate Tila Tequila. If it wasn't for them, we likely would not know who she is. Certainly she had a following on the internet prior to the show, but so do a lot of people. Hell, I have a bit of a following on the internet.

I guess what I want to say is, let's not let this give credence to the Juggalo mindset. Anyone who would reach into a portable toilet to remove feces in order to throw it at someone does not deserve praise. There are worse things going on in the world, but what the hell does this say about us? What the fuck is wrong that we have people like this? WTF?

</sermon>

Fan-Boy Icon #21

Once in a while, you come across someone unusual that is all over the place, but you never quite noticed before. Case in point, Alexis Arquette, aka Eva Destruction.

Born Robert Arquette, Alexis is the sibling of Hollywood notables David, Patricia, and Roseanna. Alexis has 66 acting credits, according the the IMDb, including small roles in Californication, Lords of Dogtown, Friends, Xena: Warrior Princess, She's All That, Bride of Chucky, The Wedding Singer, Pulp Fiction, Of Mice and Men (1992), Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie), and Alien Nation. Alexis portrays males and females in these appearances.

The movie that got me interested was Killer Drag Queens on Dope, which I watched because it listed Nerd Girl of Note and Russ Meyer favorite, Haji, in the cast. Haji is only in one scene, but over-all, the movie was a lot of fun.

Killer Drag Queens on Dope is the story of Ginger, and accomplished transvestite assassin, and her protegé, Coco (Omar Alexis). Ginger's boyfriend, Bobby (Mario Diaz), is part of the local mob and is expected to perform hits despite his inability to do them. To help him out, Ginger does his hits for him. They hope to raise enough money to afford Ginger's gender reassignment surgery, despite Coco's complaints that it is unnecessary. Eventually, of course, an assassination goes wrong, and the mob finds out about Ginger. They plan to take her out, and Bobby assists. Once Ginger has prevailed and discovers Bobby's duplicity, she rejects the notion of changing herself, and does away with him.

Despite it's oddness, Killer Drag Queens on Dope is a funny movie. It is extremely low budget, and looks like an '80s porno. A lot of the humor is of the Ru Paul's Drag Race variety, but most of it comes across for the less drag-familiar of us. Arquette has all the charm of the Arquette family, with great timing and line delivery. Not too shabby with the fight scenes either. This is a Netflix streamer, so if you are a user it is well worth your 80 minutes.

Macumba Sexual (Jesús Franco, 1983)

You can say a lot of things about Jess Franco's films, but saying they are normal is not one of them. Macumba Sexual is a strange, trippy, dream-like movie that explores West African Voodoo on the Canary Islands.

Lina Romay plays Alice Brooks, an American real estate agent on vacation with her husband in (presumably) the Canary Islands. She is contacted by her boss that a local aristocrat, Princess Obongo (Ajita Wilson) is interested in an American property and he wants Alice to meet with her. Alice consents after a substantial cut is offered. Alice's husband (Antonio Mayans, credited only as "husband of Alice") is a writer, and agrees that the meeting could be beneficial.

Of course, there is a problem. Alice has been having dreams about a woman named Tara. In the dream, Tara approaches her with two beasts—a male and a female. She looses the beasts, which ravish Alice. The dream always ends with Tara dead before Alice. Oddly enough, the Princess is Tara Obongo.

A strange, old style boat comes to meet Alice and take her to the Princess' island. She meets the hotel receptionist, played by Franco (oddly enough, it appears to be his own voice for once). He tells her the Princess has been dead for many years. Then, after being caught spying on Alice whilst she sunbathes, he tells her that no one goes to the Princess and returns. She is death, and will steal away your youth and beauty.



From the hotel, Alice travels by camel to the Princess' residence. Alice seems unperturbed that the Princess Tara Obongo looks exactly like the Tara from her dreams, or that the Princess has two naked slaves, a male and female, with dog collars. Of course, dreams and reality seldom look alike, and stark differentiation is beyond the budget of this particular film.



There is a lot of good stuff, story-wise, in this film. I watched it on the Severin Films DVD which contains an interview with Franco and Romay. Franco said he went with a production company that could not give him much of a budget, but offered him complete freedom. He explains that no one forced changes on the film, or foisted actors on him that he did not want. Franco wrote the screenplay as well, basing it on a Senegalese cult of Macumba.



Franco describes Ajita Wilson as a female Christopher Lee. He says she is less an actress than a presence. She is tall and intimidating. You could easily see Grace Jones in the role of Princess Obongo. Personally, I found Wilson to be a tad strange looking, though it added to the scariness of her role. Romay, who had quite a bit of face-time with Wilson's nether-regions, confirms the rumor that Wilson is transgendered. This is not an issue for me, but perhaps explains the oddness of her look?

At a short 82 minutes, this is a really good entry for Franco. If you can stand the high sexual content, and near constant nudity, it makes for a great psychological horror film. Oddly, the sex scenes are not the ones that drag on too long (as is typical), but rather the shots of travel between the hotel and the Princess' lair. Franco's cinematographer, Juan Soler, makes great use of the sweeping dunes and seascapes, and the length of the travel scenes helps cement the idea of isolation once you are in Obongo's clutches.