Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Trash Tuesday: Playmate of the Apes (John Bacchus, 2002)

If you have thirty minutes of story, but need to have a ninety minute movie, what do you do? John Bacchus knows; throw in some unenthusiastic simulated Sapphism. That's not to say there is no quality here, but let's face it, these are movies made specifically to go on Skinemax.

Like most of Bacchus' films, this is a parody, of sorts, using The Planet of the Apes as a framework. Misty Mundae stars as Commander Gaylor, whose spaceship and crew of two land on a planet ruled by the simian-kind. I don't want to ruin the end for you, but it is a future Earth. [smirk] Gaylor and her shipmates, Lt. Pushkintucushkin (Anoushka) and Lt. Fornication (Sharon Engert) come across some of the planet's primitive natives, notably Uvula (Darian Crane) and finally run afoul of the ape overlords. One of the scientists, Dr. Cornholeous (Debbie Rochon), wants to prove that apes evolved from man, and uses the vastly more intelligent crew to further her point. How can this be done? Well, the space women are much better strippers than the local humans. Eventually the trio, along with Uvula, Dr. Cornholeous, and "Ape with Pink Fur" (Dan Schwab), escape their ape overlords and discover a tribe of similarly intelligent, yet woefully primitive tribe led by "The Barbarian Queen" (Shelby Taylor). There is the final showdown between apes and humans, and a truce is made. Gaylor and her crew are allowed to repair their ship and take their leave, but unfortunately never make it home.

Oddly, despite all the simulated Sapphistry, there was never an encounter between any of the humans and Dr. Cornholeous. I thought it was inevitable, and am very surprised Bacchus let the opportunity pass. My guess is that they could not make the ape mask go well with an unclothed body. Gaylor and Cornholeous share a brief, uncomfortable kiss, and that is all. I am not pushing for the inter-species erotica, but seriously, isn't that part of what you'd expect from such a film?

Recommendation: If you really, really have to see boobies, then by all means check this one out. If you like ridiculous parodies, same advice. There are some clever, funny bits, but frankly I'd like to trim (no pun intended0 the thing down to about twenty minutes. Never has G/G action been more tepid...

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