Nerd Girl of Note #102

I think I have always been a Janeane Garofalo fan; even before I was aware of her. I have not seen all of her movies, and I certainly don't watch the cop show she is one, but she is ridiculously funny and dare I say sexy? Yes, I dare.

I recently watched a new stand-up special, Janeane Garofalo: If You Will, Live in Seattle on Netflix and am glad to see she has kept the funny. She talks about her lack of web interest, alcoholism, asexuality, and public personae. It is a funny show that I laughed/snorted at for the duration. If nothing else, watch it for the Natalie Portman obsession bit.

Food Network: Is It Us or Them?

My wife watches The Food Network fairly often, but has since switched more to The Cooking Channel, the VH1 to Food Network's MTV, if you will. The Cooking Channel is very much what Food Network started as, cooking shows that are clones of pre-Food Network cooking shows like Julia Child and The Frugal Gourmet. Why the change of heart? I am theorizing, but am willing to say that it is due to all the reality show and general douchebaggery of the modern Food Network. It is part of my "Lagasse Hypothesis."

Remember when Food Network was this little, weird basic cable network? A large part of its appeal was that it was food porn; people were interested in watching things that they would likely never try themselves. "Hey, honey, can we try that lemon curry chipotle ranch chicken tonight? Huh?" Then came Emeril Lagasse; to further the porn analogy, Emeril was the John Holmes of Food Network. He was the big name and helped make food porn mainstream. I remember Lagasse coming to Cary, NC for a book signing. By the time we got there the Barnes & Noble had a line around the store and Emeril had been there about ten hours. We did not get a book signed, but saw him from a distance. He was red faced and tired, but still smiling and talking to the punters. That made me a fan. His chocolate bread pudding recipe certainly didn't hurt things either. So what happened to Emeril? The only time you see him on Food Network these days is for holiday specials. To switch gears, like St. Peter, Emeril is the rock upon which Food Network built their church. I'll tell you where he went; to the Cooking Channel.

All this leads to my belief that Food Network wants their stars to at least appear to be tools. The initial commercials for Ace of Cakes really made Duff Goldman look like a huge jerk. In commercials he always had a chainsaw or some such, and "he doesn't play by the rules!" When you watch Ace of Cakes, you kind of realize he's just a kind of a sweet, dorky guy with his band of nerds and hipsters. Bobby Flay is presented in a similar fashion. I hated him for years, until Throwdown came on and I got to see that he was not so bad after all. This leads me to what prompted this post. Last night on Twitter, I mentioned that Michael Symon and Guy Fieri are tools.

Yeah, I know. That is me being a bit of a troll, but I tend to call 'em like I see 'em. I think Food Network sells them that way. Food Network is not alone, most of your DIY channels have similar faults. In fact, most all reality television is this way. It all started with Puck from season one of MTV's The Real World. Puck was a huge asshole, but he is the only one who I remember. Well, that guy with AIDS too, but I don't remember his name. Not only did The Real World launch reality television, it began the douche-ifying of television. Think of all the reality shows you have ever watched. Who do you remember? The asshole. As Food Network MTVs their persona, they must follow suit. Everything is a contest, everything has a time limit, and every show has the shame round. Were we getting bored with the instructional shows, or was Food Network simply trying trying to keep up with our lust for assholes? Is it the chicken or the egg? You'll notice that the few instructional shows on Food Network are almost exclusively presented by women; Paula Deen, Giada De Laurentiis, Aarti Sequeira. Of course, on reality television, women are not allowed to be douche bags...

So is it us or them? Do we tolerate douchebaggery on television so much because we want it, or because it is what we get? Also, if it is all an act, then why do the stars let it continue? I think that might be why Emeril is not on Food Network any more; either he refused to play along or got tired of fighting it.

I close in admitting my own douchebaggery in this instance. I don't know the first thing about Michael Symon or Guy Fieri. Symon (or a Twitter imposter) did remind me that I was being exactly what I was complaining about. So, Chef Symon, I apologize, and will attempt to give you the chance I gave Duff and Flay. If it was you on Twitter, you should really look into getting your account certified, by the way ;-)

Premature Book Review: The Search for WondLa (Tony DiTerlizzi, 2010)

If you have read The Spiderwick Chronicles then you know that Tony DiTerlizzi is no stranger to creating fantastic worlds. This time around he brings us a sci-fi fairy tale, sans co-author Holly Black.

I am very early into this book, but am willing to go ahead and recommend it to anyone who enjoys fantasy, sci-fi, or young adult literature. One thing I am enjoying, which has nothing to do with the story, is that this book breaks the "youth series" trend in publishing. The Search for WondLa is 496 pages, versus the 672 pages spread out over five books in The Spiderwick Chronicles, which were frankly one book in my opinion.

In The Search for WondLa we follow Eva Nine, a twelve year-old girl who lives alone, save for her robot guardian, MUTHR, and the sentient dwelling known as The Sanctuary. Eva has no memory of other human beings, and wants desperately to see the outside world. To her knowledge, she has never been outside The Sanctuary. Of course, the unexpected happens and she is thrust into the unknown.

I really enjoy DiTerlizzi's writing style. He makes strong female characters, a trend I am happy to see expanding, and you really get a feel for the surrounding in the books. It does not hurt that he also illustrates his books. The Search for WondLa is giving me the same visual feel as The Spiderwick Chronicles, in that when I saw the movie everything looked like it did in my head. I think he has a nice grasp on the workings of the adolescent mind, and while there are complaints about parents not understanding or feeling inadequate it is not heavy handed. These expressions are very much what children feel and can relate to. In a way, DiTerlizzi bucks the trend of the orphan hero, in that Eva does not really understand that MUTHR is not her mother, as she has known nothing else. As she begins to realize they are indeed different it still feels like the youthful rebellion all children have toward their parents.

I think this is going to be very enjoyable and believe many of you will like it as well.

Trash Tuesday: Playmate of the Apes (John Bacchus, 2002)

If you have thirty minutes of story, but need to have a ninety minute movie, what do you do? John Bacchus knows; throw in some unenthusiastic simulated Sapphism. That's not to say there is no quality here, but let's face it, these are movies made specifically to go on Skinemax.

Like most of Bacchus' films, this is a parody, of sorts, using The Planet of the Apes as a framework. Misty Mundae stars as Commander Gaylor, whose spaceship and crew of two land on a planet ruled by the simian-kind. I don't want to ruin the end for you, but it is a future Earth. [smirk] Gaylor and her shipmates, Lt. Pushkintucushkin (Anoushka) and Lt. Fornication (Sharon Engert) come across some of the planet's primitive natives, notably Uvula (Darian Crane) and finally run afoul of the ape overlords. One of the scientists, Dr. Cornholeous (Debbie Rochon), wants to prove that apes evolved from man, and uses the vastly more intelligent crew to further her point. How can this be done? Well, the space women are much better strippers than the local humans. Eventually the trio, along with Uvula, Dr. Cornholeous, and "Ape with Pink Fur" (Dan Schwab), escape their ape overlords and discover a tribe of similarly intelligent, yet woefully primitive tribe led by "The Barbarian Queen" (Shelby Taylor). There is the final showdown between apes and humans, and a truce is made. Gaylor and her crew are allowed to repair their ship and take their leave, but unfortunately never make it home.

Oddly, despite all the simulated Sapphistry, there was never an encounter between any of the humans and Dr. Cornholeous. I thought it was inevitable, and am very surprised Bacchus let the opportunity pass. My guess is that they could not make the ape mask go well with an unclothed body. Gaylor and Cornholeous share a brief, uncomfortable kiss, and that is all. I am not pushing for the inter-species erotica, but seriously, isn't that part of what you'd expect from such a film?

Recommendation: If you really, really have to see boobies, then by all means check this one out. If you like ridiculous parodies, same advice. There are some clever, funny bits, but frankly I'd like to trim (no pun intended0 the thing down to about twenty minutes. Never has G/G action been more tepid...

Premature Book Review: Flesh and Bone, Rise of the Necromancers (Jessy Marie Roberts, ed, 2010)

The publisher of Flesh and Bone, Rise of the Necromancers were nice enough to send me a copy of their book of short stories, 21 in all by various authors. So far they are very enjoyable. The stories are not overly long, and take place in a variety of settings; some fantasy, modern, even a World War I story. Fortunately, up to this point, it is not too zombie heavy, and oddly no vampires yet.

Thus far the stories have been interesting and remind me of some of the scary story books you might have read as a kid, though they are not childish; they just have that same feeling to me. It is almost as if they are grown up versions of those same books.

You can get this as either a paperback (trade size, I assume) or a Kindle eBook. The price for the hardcopy is a tad steep in my opinion at $16.99 through Amazon, but the eBook price is reasonable at $5.00. This is well worth checking out if you like horror, particularly short stories.

Neighbor (Robert A. Masciantonio, 2009)

Take one hot creepy murderer and add a trio of musical semi-hipsters, mix with a non-linear story-line and a generous dollop of torture porn, and you have Neighbor.

I have got to say, I completely got this because America Olivo from Bitch Slap was in it. Up to the thirty minute mark I had serious doubts as to whether she was enough to keep me interested. She was good in it; quirky and a touch goofy, then mean and brutal, all the while making movie references. The movie was pretty brutal in the Herschel Gordon Lewis vein, with lots of up-close and personal dismemberment and disfiguration. The quality of the gore was rarely of the too believable variety, but varied in style and overall effect. There were a few moments when I admit to having covered my eyes, as often the idea is bad enough no matter how good or bad the gore effects are.

Story-wise it is a hard movie to decipher. It is definitely non-linear, but rather than being Pulp Fiction styled, it is intentionally meant to confuse the viewer. It is hard to tell what, if anything, is actually supposed to be happening. The main victim, Don, is obviously experiencing post traumatic stress through parts of the film, yet at other times it seems plain that he did not survive. It is not a supernatural tale, but perhaps has a Last Temptation of Christ idea going where Don views the events differently while being tortured. I'd like to see what some of my smarter film fans have to say about it. It is a disturbing film, but very intriguing. While this is a B movie, it is not of the so-bad-it's-good line, it is a fairly good movie that takes some chances while not trying to be more than it was born to be. There is no great moral to be learned, but it is a bit of a puzzle to decipher. If you can handle the gore and senseless violence, it is well worth checking out.

Bloody Moon (Jesus Franco, 1981)

This is possibly the weirdest Franco film I have ever seen. Not that it is all that weird, it is a pretty standard Eurosleaze slasher film, but it is weird in that if I had not seen Franco in it I would swear it was a Lucio Fulci film. I am no expert, but I believe you don't have to see many Franco films to know one when you see one, and the same is true of Fulci.

Bloody Moon is full of Fulci staples. There is the trippy electronic incidental music, and a cheesy soft rock song that is repeated every time music is required. The sets and wardrobe, the actors, the camera work all scream Fulci to me. As does the lack of typical Franco elements. There is no manic "zoom for tension" that Uncle Jess loves so. There are also too many characters for a Franco film, though this is a giallo, so you need lots of nubile women to murder and many suspicious persons of interest.

The DVD is from Severin, and is apparently the first time it has been available in the US. The restoration of the print is well done, and the interview with Franco in the special features goes far to explain just why it is such an un-Franco Franco film. The Fulci comparison is perhaps to Franco's credit. I don't think Jess is in the business of aping other directors, but he was incredibly unhappy with the production and finished product of Bloody Moon. If he can make a film he thinks is crap and it reminds me of another well respected director's work, then the man is a better director than even his fans give him credit for. Well worth checking out if you are a slasher/giallo fan.

Nerd Girl of Note #101

One of my latest Twitter obsessions is "International Drag Superstar" and "Two Tons of Fun", Darienne Lake. Darienne has been putting up with my questions and comments for a few weeks now with the patience of a saint. I was debating doing a NGoN entry, but the picture to the right sealed the deal. If you are cool enough to rock the sexy Robin look on a cruise ship, then you have gallons of awesome sauce.

I think one of the things I enjoy about Darienne, aside from being very funny, is the frankness of her Tumblr site and how it contrasts to the humor of her Twitter. Twitter is for one liners. Some of us forget that (I am guilty at times). Most of her Tweets are snappy lines, while on Tumblr she talks about her drag, her background, past weight issues, and what it is like to be a gay man versus a drag queen (it is hard to always be both all the time, I would guess).

I posed a few questions:

DW: Do you have any nerd or geek tendencies? Comic books? Star Trek? Star Wars? Xena? I would like to think you liked the old Buck Rogers tv show, if only for the outfits ;-)

DL: I am nerdy in the way that I can see a movie once and know the dialog, then use the sentences in daily life. I love movies based on comic books or sci-fi, and look at them for entertainment factor. I allow for artistic license. I realize that actors who "look the part" can't necessarily act the part.

DW: I have seen you do Sarah Palin and Anna Nicole Smith. Do you have a favorite impersonation, or do you stick with what's topical?

DL: I have done many impersonations from Cher, Madonna, Dolly. I don't have a favorite, but I have the most fun when I am making fun of a celebrity. Like when I made fun of Britney after the MTV awards in the same outfit, with the same blank, drugged out stare, eating Cheetos and drinking RedBull. Or when I had painted myself orange and did Snooki. I was able to use my Amy Winehouse hair. Impersonations work best if you strike while the iron is hot. Right after Susan Boyle hit the scene I came out that weekend with a unibrow, house dress & hairy mole.

DW: Ok, last one. Streisand or Minnelli? Both The Way We Were and Cabaret make me cry like I just found out there is no Santa Claus. Thoughts? ;-)

DL: I'm more of a Streisand fan because something about Liza makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it might be Liza's manic energy and lateral lisp. Yet I thought she was hilarious on Arrested Development. "Left in the Dark" by Barbara is hauntingly perfect. When it comes to Santa Claus, I think it's best to tell kids that Santa only makes toys in the North Pole, so the other gifts (clothes, electronics, puppies) come from Mom & Dad. That fat fuck shouldn't get all the credit.

Darienne can be seen Friday nights at 140 Alex Bar in Rochester, NY.

Darienne Lake on the webz:

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Girls Will Be Girls (Richard Day, 2003)

I have always loved drag comedy. I think it all started with Bugs Bunny, but cannot swear to that. I was trying to remember a drag stand up performer's name, and when I did I came across this film.

Girls Will Be Girls stars three drag queens, but they are portraying women. It is not To Wong Fu or Priscilla Queen of the Desert, but rather a dark comedy involving three women. Jack Plotnick is Evie, an aging actress with substance abuse issues and serious jealousy problems. Clinton Leupp (better known as "Miss Coco Peru") is Coco, a girl past her prime who wonders if she will ever find happiness. Jeffery Roberson is Varla, a newcomer to Hollywood with big dreams and bigger naivete. The three live together in a rather Golden Girls fashion, and it is soon discovered that there is a past evil that haunts them and threatens to destroy there world. Well, that is a bit melodramatic, but we are talking about drag queens here.

The movie is funny. There is a lot of very overt humor, but then some wonderful subtle touches that really make it enjoyable. You have to get past the theme song, which was atrocious... Kind of an Ethel Merman cabaret song. There is a lot of the bitchy, cattiness you expect from drag comedy, but it does not dominate. You do almost forget you are watching drag queens.

This one streams on Netflix.

Not Impressed

Many of you know I am not a fan of cop shows. I am so sick of Law & Order (all of them), CSI (all of them), NCIS... Even Bones gets on my nerves at times. I have to tell you, though, this new Hawaii Five-O is the worst. It is trite and contrived; a pastiche of all the others, mixed with some Hawaiian flavor just to throw you off the scent. They go way to far into CSI territory with their elaborate crime detection lab, while the new McGarrett (whatever) is channeling Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon much of the time.

The worst part was a bit where they were investigating the type of gun some pirates used. They asked a witness to pick the assault rifle from a series of pictures. She picked out the AK-47. "We got 'em now," one of them says (approximately). This bothers me for several reason. It is estimated that there is one AK-47 for every six people on Earth, so how does this narrow things down? Also, of course they had AK-47s! It is the assault weapon of choice for every paramilitary group in the world. Last, instead of asking the witness to pick out the gun, why didn't they just grab some of the cartridges littered about the boat. Pirates are not known for their cleaning skills, so there is certainly some brass laying about somewhere. I don't think I'll be watching any further episodes.

Premature Book Review: Satan's Slut (Aishling Morgan, 2002)

Normally I don't get too into the more deviant aspects of my character here, nor do I typically review erotica. Satan's Slut is, however, a bit more worthwhile than the title might lead you to believe. Don't get me wrong, this is a dirty little book. There are several "Ew! Really?!?" moments to it. The worthiness stems more from its reasonably well thought out plot and discussion of religion. I have read a few books by Morgan, whose major theme is often domination, but two involve religion, particularly the hypocrisy of Christianity.

Satan's Slut has a revolving cast of leads who are all joined in contention over an abandoned chapel in Exeter. Nich Mordaunt is a pagan intent on bringing back ancient religion to the British Isles. His antithesis is Tom Pridough, a priest of a yet undisclosed Christian sect. Mordaunt is vocal and a known in the community, and Pridough blames all "wrong-doings" on him and his followers. When Mordaunt decides to hold a Black Mass with the help of a local dominatrix, recently defrocked priest, and a local gangster things start getting out of hand for the young pagan.

From a religious standpoint, this reminds me a lot of The Mists of Avalon, likely a book author Aishling Morgan is well familiar. There is some interesting discussion or how Christianity in Britain took over the Celto-Pagan practices of old, but also of how the Celts took over even older religions. It tends to be very smart about the topic, though I will not swear to the authenticity of all the claims made. From a fiction aspect, the story builds quite nicely, and could easily be quite an interesting bit of pulp for a wider audience were not the sex so graphic. The characters are interesting and well formed. Many of their abnormal desires* are discussed more deeply than you might expect, and in an almost moralistic fashion they bring the characters into the hands of some unsavory types.

* Please note my use of "abnormal desires" is meant to indicate practices that might shock those of a more Puritan nature. I do not judge.

So, obviously this book is not for everyone, but if you have an interest in erotica, paganism (or more-so Satanism), this is a fairly compelling book give a try. I have finally reached the [ahem] climax of the story, and things look to be changing drastically. I think the last 10% of it will hold some surprises. I will mention, however, that I am rarely thrilled by Morgan's endings. She does a nice job up until the last few pages. I am, however, rarely impressed my endings in book or film, so maybe it is just me?

Nerd Girl of Note #100

To me, no one delivers the "eat shit" look, while still being sweet and funny, angry and out of place like our Nerd Girl of Note #100. Molly Ringwald is in some of the best loved films of my generation, and possibly of yours. Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Pretty in Pink are some of the 1980's most defining films. Ringwald's importance in those films cannot be underrated. Sure, her characters don't get all the big re-quotable lines, but she is always at the crux of the story and it is her ability to carry off that role that makes these movies great. Ringwald was also very important to John Hughes, the man who made most of her films. Hughes was very interested in the music that went with his films, and Ringwald was instrumental in introducing him to bands that he did not know about.

A favorite role for me, because I love fan-service, is Not Another Teen Movie where Molly plays a flight attendant who berates the lead male for ripping off all of the great '80s movies when trying to win the lead girl back. She was very funny, and every bit Claire from The Breakfast Club.

The Tale of the Interview Thong

I am pretty secure in my sexuality, and tend to not care about the silly lines between masculine and feminine. I have already mentioned that I carry a purse, and do not call it a messenger bag or shoulder bag. It's a purse. For the most part I am a fairly neutral dresser. T-shirt and jeans, normal shoes typically. In some ways it is my camouflage. I am not as big in person as I might seem online, at least not with strangers, so I tend to blend into the background clothes-wise. Grays and greens predominate my wardrobe. Nothing says "look at me." I do have a few flashy weaknesses, one is socks. I have some oddball socks, and they are often the place to find a break from my otherwise demure monotony. This is what brings me to today's story. Empress Kate was talking about weird socks and I made an offhand comment about "the interview thong" with every intention of the eyebrow-raising implications.

When I was a younger man, with a younger man's stupidity in the ways of women, I was returning to Greenville, NC to visit the now-wife on Valentine's Day. We were to have dinner and stay in the closest thing to POSH that Greenville had to offer at the time. Being young and somewhat silly I got flowers and chocolates, and decided to stop at one of your classier adult establishments for "party favors." I won't go into details, but before I could check out I came across a men's thong in a rather bright, shiny purple. Purple has always been my favorite color, and the wife always wore thongs. "I shall be adventurous," I thought and added it to my bundle. Well, other than perhaps a giggle or two it did not really have an effect and promptly found its way to the back of the underwear drawer, that is until I got a call to interview for my first real job since graduation.

I am a terrible interviewee. I am nervous, and twitchy, and tend to talk to much. I hate the buildup. I am never prepared. I had to do something.

I must tell you, sitting in a job interview wearing a shiny purple thong under your gray suit is quite the nerve stabilizer. I don't know what it is. Maybe I knew that even though I was totally lying about myself to the interviewer, in my pants at least I was the weird guy I always knew I was? Maybe there was even some strange paranoid fear of the interviewer finding out about my violet secret? Whatever it was, it took my mind off my interview fear, and I somehow got the job.

Well, the interview thong is no more, but I do make it a point of wearing weird underwear to an interview. The thrill is gone now, but I still pay homage to my little purple life saver. Thank you shiny purple thong, wherever you are.

Lingerie Bowl VIII, and Thoughts on the League

Alright, one last post for a while on the LFL. First, a bit on the Lingerie Bowl VIII (from last night) then some final (for now) thoughts on the league.

Lingerie Bowl VIII pitted two undefeated teams against each other; the Los Angeles Temptation and the Philadelphia Passion. Philly was my pick to win, led by running back/linebacker Marirose Roach. The Passion played a hard playoff win against the Tampa Breeze. The Temptation, I thought, had a harder time with a handicapped Chicago Bliss for their championship (the Bliss' first and second string quarterbacks were both injured, and were replaced by the awesome Deborah Poles, who had never played QB before). The Temptation's big threat was Zipphora Chase.

The game turned out much different than I suspected. Zipphora Chase was less of a threat than expected, and was rather outshone by team as a whole. Ashley Salerno (QB) was injured early on but continued playing, Melissa Marguiles made some huge plays. My new favorite player, Ogom Chijindu was a defensive powerhouse, scoring I believe the only defensing touchdown of the game. As for The Passion, we had the reverse. It seemed Marirose Roach was making most of the big plays on offense and defense. She is an incredibly smart runningback, and and awesome linebacker. Unfortunately, she seemed to be carrying her team. Remember, I am not a sports guy, so I can't quantify any of this.

Final score: LA 26 / PHI 25


Ogom Chijindu scores after an interception.
Now, a bit on the league.

You ever hear it said that if you have to explain a joke it is not funny? This is often the feeling I get from the Lingerie Football League regarding the uniforms. Players and the commentators are constantly justifying the league as being more than T&A football, and it is. The problem is, they have to justify this not because these are women playing football, but rather women with garter belts playing football. The bikini aspect is not so bad, it is the addition of lace and garter straps. As I have said before, these are not the most scantily clad women in sports, but it is the only sport that specifically plays on the raciness of the uniforms. I can completely understand the justification from the players' point of view. They want to play football, and the LFL is the best way for them to do that. I do think, however, that the beer guzzling frat boy audience will eventually reach maximum saturation, and to increase the sport's appeal they will have to broaden their net. The best way to do this is to change the uniform. Why not, instead of the bikini style, go for a one piece with a bit more butt coverage, or let them play in what they practice in; athletic shorts and tank tops? This would be similar to what is worn in soccer, rugby or field hockey, and would make sex less of the focus for the uninitiated.

I think it is true that, like roller derby, once you get past the sexy aspect you can appreciate the athleticism. The wife actually suggested that we get the game on Pay Per View last night (though she may argue that claim) and was enjoying the game. There is a lot of skill and talent, and it is the first time I have enjoyed football in a long time. I have to say, though; change the uniforms, and change the name. Get more people interested by not forcing them to prejudge, and you will do a great deal for your league, and women's professional sports in general.

Lo (Travis Betz, 2009)

I had not heard of this film until The Vicar of VHS mentioned it on Twitter. It streams on Netflix, so what could I lose, right? Turns out I got much more than I bargained for.

Justin (Ward Roberts) has lost his girlfriend April (Sarah Lassez), to what he assumes to be a demon. April was a little strange, and had a strange book that she begged Justin to destroy. After her abduction, Justin open the book for the first time to the single marked page, that for summoning the demon Lo (Jeremiah Birkett).

The film is very much like a stage production. There is really only one set, as Justin must stay within his protective circle. Other demons come with Lo, and occasionally they present pictures of the past in play-form. It is interestingly done.

The acting is quite good. Lo is both scary and funny, though at times a bit too Beetlejuice. There is some nice trickery, and even parts where I knew Justin was being tricked, he was being tricked in another fashion altogether. I have included a trailer below, but do not feel it really does the film justice

Nerd Girl of Note #99

I think we all know I love the Trek, but am not really a Trekkie or Trekker. I do, at times wonder things like "what the hell happened to Yeoman Rand?"

Grace Lee Whitney played Yeoman Janice Rand on the original Star Trek series. Rand was Captain Kirk's attaché, if you will. Rand appeared in eight episodes of the original series, and four of the films based on it. I have a feeling she fell prey to the changes the second season brought about, such as the change to Chekhov versus the revolving cast of helmsmen. There was also more of a consolidation of the cast in the second season that brought us the cast most of us remember; Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhuru, Scotty, Sulu, Chekhov

Before Star Trek, Whitney did much of the standard television fare; Wagontrain, Gunsmoke, The Rifleman and others. She was also in the films House of Wax (Vincent Price), Some Like it Hot (Marilyn Monroe), and Irma La Douce (Jack Lemmon, Shirley MacLaine).

I'd like to see Rand brought back in the next edition of the reboot Star Trek films, but frankly I think they are making good use of the base cast; the Gilligan's Island cast, if you will.

The Fall (Tarsem Singh, 2006)

I try not to say "watch this movie" very often, so I hope when I say it at the end of this review you will not take it lightly.

The Fall stars Lee Pace (Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies) as Roy, a movie stunt double who has been injured doing a big stunt and lost his girlfriend to the actor he was doubling for. While in the hospital he befriends a young girl, Alexandria (Catinca Untaru) who he hopes to dupe into aiding his suicide attempt. To gain her trust, and keep her interested, he begins telling her an epic story of five men sworn to kill the same enemy; Governor Odious. The tale changes as the two become friends.

Now, that might sound like it is some happy, feel good film; and it has its moments, but I am not ashamed to say I was crying myself dry during a lot of it. It is a tragic story full of loss. Roy's loss and depression, his mistreatment of the girl who has come to love him, and the simple evils of the world all conspire to make this a touching and heart-wrenching film.

Singh's directorial style is very akin to Terry Gilliam (Brazil, The Twelve Monkeys) and Guillermo del Toro (Pan's Labirynth, Hellboy II: The Golden Army). Things are dreamy and not always as they seem. He also uses huge landscapes that at times reminds you of Lawrence of Arabia. Pace is very good, displaying his standard charm while putting forth a dramatic side we rarely get to see. Untaru is, I hate to say, disturbingly cute and tragic. I do not like "aw, look at the little girl crying" movies, but she seems to be either terribly talented, or Singh directed her beautifully.

So, hearkening back to my earlier warning, I say, "you need to see this movie."

Thanks to my friend and NGoN Darla Crane for reminding me how long this one sat unwatched in my queue. It streams on Netflix, if you are so enabled.

Hermione Granger: Auror

I have been thinking about this a bit, and decided as long as I cannot publish I might as well do some fan-fiction here. Please enjoy the begining of a serial; Hermione Granger: Auror. Remember, this is fan fiction based mostly on the works of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books. If you are one of the few people who have not read these, at least Google it and know that I am not solely responsible for this work.

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Prologue

I have as much cause to hate The Dark Lord as most, but if I must point out a positive it is this; he knew how to maintain order. The ever-present threat of reprisal from Voldemort kept most of the less scrupulous members of the wizarding community in check. The problem is he also was a poster boy for the other side; a face to put with our fears. Now that he is gone, we feel safe. Evil is vanquished. Absurd.

My name is Hermione Granger, and I am an auror; a sort of special agent if you will. We seek out wizard criminals, whether they are interfering with muggles or committing crimes against their wizard brethren. Before becoming an auror I was instrumental in the front that brought down The Dark Lord. I lost friends and loved ones. I am pleased he is gone, but I am not satisfied with the idea that the world is now safe and happy. Vigilance is most important when no threat is present.

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Too paranoid, perhaps? Too Fox Mulder? Will I be giving Hermione PTSD? Will I even write chapter one? Who knows?

So many questions...

Dragonchow Dice Bags

As always, my disclaimer: I was in no way compensated for this post. I purchased the below product with my own cash and like it, as well as the manufacturer. That being said...

I recently bought several dice bags from Dragon Chow. I have been following @GeekyLyndsay on Twitter for a while, and finally got around to buying some bags for myself and my semi-demoralized D&D group. I really like the design of the bags, which are not your typical two-piece purse with a drawstring, nor the ubiquitous Crown Royal bag. Lyndsay's Dragonchow bags are semi-cubes, built to stand up when open. They are reversible, so if you get tired of its look, turn it inside out for a complimentary change. Also, rather than having to tie off the drawstring it has a catch like you might find on a jacket's drawstring. The size is close to that of a standard coffee mug.



There are tons of styles, and Lyndsay is always finding new fabrics. She's a gamer too, and a heck of a nice person. If you are in the market for something different, check her site out and peruse the goods. She's even got dice too, just in case you'd like them to match your bag.

By the by, February 13th will be Dragonchow's first anniversary, and Lyndsay is having a contest.

WIP Wednesday: Interno di un Convento (Walerian Borowczyk, 1978)

Thus spake the Empress: "Women in prison films, which are the spiritual cousins of nunsploitation films, tend to offer more in terms of graphic violence, sex, and plot tension." With Behind Convent Walls, I can certainly agree violence- and plot-wise, but as far as sex is concerned we have a fairly dead heat.

This film has the bulk of the WIP features; the prison and convent serve much the same purpose. One is a place to put unwanted or unruly women, and the other is a prison. We like to think of convents as being either full of women who realized they were going to be spinsters at an early age, goody-two-shoes brides of Christ, or deeply religious women that cannot enter the priesthood because their church is stuck in the distant past. While much of these could be argued as realistic, in earlier times it was a whole other story. Got too many daughters? It's cheaper to make them nuns than marry them off. Is your daughter the village bicycle? Best get her locked up before she really shames you. Are you a widow? Get thee to a nunnery! See what I'm getting at?


So, in Behind Convent Walls we have a bunch of horny young women locked up together with very few penises to go around. There is Silva (Alex Partexano), dubbed "the meat man" by his holiness the Vicar of VHS. There is Rodrigo Landriani (Howard Ross), the ne'er-do-well nephew of the priest. There is said priest, Father Luigi (Mario Maranzana), the convent's confessor. And, last but not least, there is Jesus Christ; king of kings, lord of lords, spank bank material for all! It seems the only one not interested in biblical knowledge (IYKWIM) is the Mother Superior, Abbess Flavia Orsini (Gabriella Giacobbe). Instead, her interests lay in searching the young girls' rooms for any contraband, including but not limited to; mirrors, love letters, dirty pictures, and shall we say "wood carvings." She is the warden of the piece, and even carries a sword-cane. The rest of the standard roles tend to blur a bit. It is incredibly difficult for me to tell one pale woman in a nun's habit from another. Even when naked they still keep their headgear. If forced to give an answer, I believe Sister Martina (Loredana Martínez) and/or Sister Veronica (Marina Pierro) was the HBIC, and Sister Clara (Ligia Branice) the good girl. Basically, all the young nuns are interested in men, women, or religious icons, and need to get the Mother Superior out of the way. She hates everything fun, including music (granted, her hatred of music might be due to the naked frolicking it precipitated).


Ultimately the Mother Superior is done away with, by accident. One of the nuns (an aforementioned HBIC) drugs her with laudanum. While she is high as a kite all hell breaks loose; nun on nun action, nun on man action, nun on self action, and naked grape eating (seriously). Of course the Mother Superior dies of an overdose, and then the shit really hits the fan. Despite their disdain for their leader, they are senseless without her. Two commit suicide while the rest shriek in various states of undress. The good father has to put everything right, but it has all crumbled already. There is no happy ending here, though not a memorable sad ending. Ah well.


I shall forgo recommendation notes, as if you want to see this one you have likely made up your mind already.

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Other, more reliable sources:

• See the review of this film at Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire for a more expert opinion.
• The Vicar of VHS and The Duke of DVD did a three part review of the film at Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies (starting here).
• Entry at the IMDb.
  

Premature Book Review: Sherlock Holmes and the Flying Zombie Death Monkeys

Author Chris Wood was good enough to send me a copy of his book, Sherlock Holmes and the Flying Zombie Death Monkeys, a collection of three stories involving Holmes and Watson in a less-than standard light. The titular story involves Holmes and Watson battling a plot to replace the British Parliament's lords with undead, winged simians. It is a fun book that reminds me in some ways of Gideon Defoe's The Pirates! books in the absurdist nature of the tales. I enjoyed the first story a lot. I think Wood captures the feel of Doyle's writing providing a modern feel. If you like a cheeky, funny story this is one for you.

Find it at Amazon US here, or stop by chriswoodbooks.com