Returning to our screens as second-rate John Carter, Tarl Cabot, is Urbano Barberini, Rebecca Ferratti as Princess Talena, and a good deal of the other cast. Added is a full role by Jack Palance as the mysterious priest, Xeno, Russell Savadier as smarmy professor and semi-friend of Tarl, Watney Smith, and a nice bit of crumpet in Donna Denton as Queen Lara.
Well, if you saw the first movie you know that Tarl was returned to Earth where he punched out his douche-bag rival with his newly discovered brutality. Since then he has been pining away for the beautiful Talena (can't blame him) and hanging out in singles bars with new frienemy Wyatt. Suddenly, while driving to another bar they are transported to, you guessed it, Gor, where he quickly find his only friends (well, the ones who did not die in the first film), is reunited with Talena, meets Xeno (who he seemed to have forgotten from the first film), and learns that Queen Lara and Talena do not get along. In short order Lara and Xeno assassinate the king and frame Tarl (who everyone calls Cabot now). Tarl, or Cabot rather, and his friend, "Midget Hup," escape the city. Lara sics a bounty hunter on them. They start a slave revolt in a village and are soon captured. Meanwhile, Lara wants Talena dead and we get the feeling that Xeno is a little tired of putting up with Lara's shit. He wants Tarl Cabot dead, she wants him alive. He tries sending Tarl back, Tarl refuses. Lara kills Xeno then fails to kill Tarl... It gets pretty sloppy around the one hour mark. Well, sloppier.
Apparently this one was shot concurrently with the first film, which now that I notice Harry Alan Towers' involvement is hardly a shock, and perhaps why he is known as Tarl in one film and Cabot in the other. They certainly seemed to have run out of ideas halfway through the first film, and the second is just hackneyed barbarian stuff with half the sword fights and all the cliché of any other barbarian movie. The only real highpoint here is Donna Denton who makes lots of faces and over-the-top gestures while wearing metallic one-piece bathing suits and a series of capes. Palance is hardly in the film and certainly does not chew the scenery like Reed did. In fact, Xeno is hardly a villain at all. Well, he's a second-rate villain who seems to have no great plan. Yeah, he poisons a few people but is pretty erratic in his commitment to evil deeds for the rest of the film. And to be honest, not even the MST3K guys made this one any more fun. Maybe a little, but not by much. If you really want to see this one someone put a VHS rip on Youtube here. You have been warned though.
|Cabot and his d-bag friend.|
|Again, cue the Whitesnake power ballad.|
|A kiss before dying...|
|"Ugh. I can't believe I did two of these! I am barely in this one!"|
|"See anything you like."|
|As in the first film, a slave girl was integral for about ten minutes.|
|"Nature Walk of Bataan" as the MST3K folks called it.|
|"Is that Axe you're wearing?"|
|Disdain. Just one of Queen Lara's many expressions of displeasure.|
|Oh, hey. Look who is back in the movie!|
|"I used to be an adventurer, then I took a spear to the sternum."|
|"Can we get another Whitesnake song over here?"|